A BEDTIME ROUTINE To PREVENT BULLYING
The other day my friend shared about her oldest daughter who is the second born. She is several years older than her two younger sisters.
My friend noticed some manipulative (provoking) behavior exhibited towards her next youngest sister. She also noticed a time of day when this potential bullying/controlling behavior happens: amidst the chaos of bedtime.
Before I get to a potential solution… I want to completely congratulate my friend on taking time to observe and note behaviors/interactions between her children. To watch for bullying is the most important first step.
It’s important to remember smaller children cannot get away from older children in their own home. When they feel continually dominated, defeated, controlled, humiliated, harassed, they can begin to use “coping mechanisms” and begin to “check out” in their little hearts and minds.
We don’t want that to happen.
If you see bullying-abuse in your own home, or when a younger child tells you her sister hurt them, do this:
Believe them.
Say, “I believe you.”
Say, “Thank you for letting me know.”
Next, take action.
Separate the target from the bully. Do not allow the bully to have access to the targeted child alone… ever. I repeat: they should never be allowed to be alone together
Limit their time together even with supervision. The presence of a bullying sibling can feel looming, towering and intimidating. Fear has a way of being present even when we don’t think it has access.
In the instance of my friend’s bedtime routine, she can do four things right away:
Tell the older daughter how much she loves her, and that she wants the older daughter to enjoy being a kid. She’s not “mommy’s helper.” Relieve her from any “helper” duties by prohibiting her from “directing or disciplining” her younger sibling.
Tell the older daughter she noticed some (manipulative) behaviors that are going to be hurtful to the heart of the younger child. Let the older daughter know she is really important to the family and really important in the life of the younger sister, and the best and biggest thing she can do is be a ‘cheerleader’, ‘supporter’ and ‘encourager’ of the younger sister.
Tell the older daughter to allow the younger sister to learn things on her own.
Create a new bedtime procedure. Begin the process of letting the older daughter know she is to stay in her room (or downstairs) at bedtime and at no time is she to be part of the bedtime routine for her younger sisters. Since bedtime is the time the provoking (antagonizing, instigating, harassing, controlling, manipulating) behaviors take place, it’s important to take the older daughter completely out of the bedtime equation.
Let her know you’re not angry with her and this is her special time to do “older sister” things for herself, like color or read a book or write in her journal, or relax with her stuffed-animals.
At all times, keep practicing SEE IT-SAY IT parenting.
Start paying more attention to every interaction between these two siblings in particular. If you see anything manipulative, intervene immediately. Do it right now, right away. If you see anything, tell her that you saw it.
Finally, do not allow the two siblings together again until the older one is repentant and committed to changing their behavior. Without genuine repentance, they may feel like they were “caught”, which can make them even more aggressive.
And who do you think they will take their anger out on? Yep, the younger sibling… and the next time they’ll only try to be smarter, sneakier and more secretive to avoid getting caught.